Woman says to her husband .." Bill, I want £4000 for a boob job . I want them to look bigger and fatter "
Bill replied " Look love , just get some toilet paper and rub it up and down your cleaverage "... Woman replies " Bill that will not work "... Bill replies "well it did for your backside "
Woman tells her Doctor ..." Doctor ,I am a bit embarrassed about my bits down below ,my Husband says they have gone all flappy and lost their shape , The Doctor replies .." Well, it's quite a difficult operation are you sure you want to go ahead with it ? " ..."Yes, Yes " she replied .
2 days later she woke up in Hospital and noticed three red roses on her pillow .. " Excuse me " she said to the surgeon " what are these roses for ?"
The surgeon replied .." Well ,the first rose is from me because my wife had the same op and I knew what you had to go through " .."that's so nice " she replied... " and what is the second rose for ?".... "Ah , that's from my wife " he replied .." O, and what about the third rose ? the woman asks .
The surgeon replied .. " the third rose is from Bill upstairs on the Burns ward ,he says Thank you very much for his new ears ".
Woman - I'm responding to this ad you placed in the paper for a cleaner
Man - Yes, "Cleaner wanted. 10 hours a week, and sex once a month"
Woman - Yes, i get the cleaning, but why are you advertising for sex once a month?"
Man - Well, i work long hours and i don't get a chance to get a partner myself, this seems like a fair and amicable way of resolving this...I am paying £60 an hour.
Woman - Well, if you put it like that, i accept.
Man - It has been a while since i've cleaned the pipes out, can i get the sex now please?
(Sex ensues)
(5 mins later)
Woman - Well, you don't waste much time do you?
Man - I don't waste much money either, you're sacked.
Man went to the Doctor's ..Dr ,Dr I am having trouble with my motions ....
The Dr replied " what's the problem ? "
Man replied " well, every time I go to the toilet for a number 2 I look down and all I see is a pan full of bunt chips ( Fries to the Americans) ...
"Burnt chips ! said the Dr , take your pants down and let me have a look "
The man took down his pants , the Dr looked shook his head and ordered the man to pull his pants back up. After doing so the man asked the Dr "what's the problem and can you give me anything for it ? " the Dr replied .. " there's no problem just get your missus to cut 6 inches of your string vest ".............
Man goes into restaurant, sits down at table, notices no menu, asks waiter for menu. Waiter says: "There is no menu here. Order whatever you want." Customer thinks, then orders elephant ear souffle. Waiter makes note on pad, asks customer, "African or Indian elephant?" Customer: "African." Waiter: "left ear or right?" Customer: "Um, which do you recommend?" Waiter: "Left ear is fresher tonight." Customer: "Ok, left ear." 20 minutes later waiter serves customer. Customer is delighted with meal. After meal, customer asks: "Waiter, did you ever have a customer you could not serve?" Waiter: "Yes. In 1978 a woman ordered toasted bees breasts." Customer (astounded): "You mean you didn't have bees breasts in stock??" Waiter: "Oh yes, we had them, but that day the toaster was broken."
