Jokes

What salad do newlyweds order?













Lettuce alone, please.

@divegeester said
“You’re”
“Off”

Said the grammar enforcement officer rather sternly.

@david-burton said
pick,pick,pick

Three guys; David Burton, badradger and redbadger walk into a bar…

The bartender says “hey you guys can’t all be in here as the same matter cannot occupy the same space without there being a rip in the spacetime continuum - only one of you can stay…”

The three guys simultaneously say “pick”

@divegeester said
Leave your nose alone.

Rajk999

NFL's Cincinnati team plans to change their name if they win the Super Bowl, to:

Reveal Hidden Content

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

😞

not knowing anything about greek philosophy,

is my achillies horse

@david-burton said
not knowing anything about greek philosophy,

is my achillies horse

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

A worldwide survey was conducted by the U.N.

Only one question was asked.

"Would you please give your honest opinion about the shortage of food in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the U.S., they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Both my parents were dwarves.

They really struggled to put food on the table.

This is a friendly reminder about drinking and driving during the New Year season.
One of my friends went out last night and after drinking, he made the sensible decision to leave his car at the pub not to drive it home, and took the bus home.
He was really proud of himself this morning!
He had never driven a bus before! 🙂

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.