Jokes

PRESIDENT Trump.

Paddy is sitting reading his paper when his wife sneaks up on him and hits him real hard with a frying pan."What was that for?" he asks."That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Ellen on it" she replies."Dont be silly" he said "its the name of a horse I've been given a tip for"
She was satisfied with this and apologised.
The next night he's sat in his chair reading the paper when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan......knocking him out cold.
When Paddy comes round he asks "what was that for?".......
"Your feckin horse just phoned!"

Why do liberals smell?

Because government has not grown large enough to have someone wipe their arse as of yet

A baby fur seal goes into a bar, the bartender asks "What'll it be buddy"? The seal says "anything except a Canadian club".

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down instead of only 6 feat down?

Because deep down they are really good people.

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Question:
What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?

Answer:
The 'wave'.

Chemist Sam was quite a man, although he is no more.

For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

Why aren't physicists any good at ménages-a-trois?

Because they can't deal with the three-body problem.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Originally posted by nimzophysh
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

A FB friend just sent me this one:

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "No. None. But I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

A hotel guest in South Korea comes down to reception to make a few requests about the room he has just checked in to.

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled."

"Very good, sir."

"I can't seem to adjust the air conditioning".

"Of course. We'll send a technician up."

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the room?"

"Right you are."

"And I'd like the porn disabled."

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"