Jokes

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond, but when you are at the end of your life all you wish you had was a club and a spade.

Whoever stuck the "S" in "FAST FOODS" was a clever little bastard.

The police officer pulled me over and said, "You drinking?"

I said, "You buying?"

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Well it happened, I've sworn off alcohol.

It happened the last time I got drunk. There I was, in the bathroom, next to the toilet when I hear the toilet say in a rather threatening voice, "You know, I've had enough of you! All I do is put up with your crap and the only time you hug me is when you are drunk!"

Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Originally posted by @whodey
So my doctor takes me aside and says that I have gall stones and kidney stones and smiles. When I asked what's so damned funny about that he said, "Welcome to the stone age"

I use to have a job digging water holes.


It was well boring.

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino seemed a bit intoxicated.
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice, and yelled-
"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and yelled-
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"
She hugged each dealer, picked up her winnings and clothes, and left.
The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
"What number rolled on the dice?"
The other- " I don't know, I thought you were watching..."

Moral of the story:
Not all drunks are drunk.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men are men!

I read and laughed. thank you for sharing

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It was related that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthdays. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th came 'round, he and his pal, Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat . . . and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen; you were born in August."

So Johnny got this hot tip from his friend at school, how to get money from his parents.
And he decided to test it.
He goes to his mother after school, and say "Mom, I know everything!"
His mother looks around to see if nobody is close.
"Now, Johnny, please don't tell anybody about it, ok?"
And she gives him a fiver.
Next, his dad comes home after work, and he goes to him and say:"Dad,I know everything!" His dad, very worried, replies " now Johnny don't you tell anybody about this, ok? Here's a tenner."
Next morning he's off to school to tell his friend this really works quite well.
Out the door, the postman is in the driveway, and he on the spur of the moment, blurts out:
"I know everything!"
The postman drops his bag, and with a broad smile and open arms, says:
"Come give Daddy a hug!

What do we learn from elephants, Rhinos, and cows?

It is impossible to lose weight by just eating green grass, salads, and walking.

When someone says they want to "take you out", do they mean on a date, or food, or murder you?

I reckon it all depends on their voice inflection.

If you outlaw abortions they will just happen illegally.

But if you outlaw guns we will achieve utopia! 😵