Originally posted by @sonhouseThat jokes older than you Sonhouse!
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.
- Joined
- 14 Mar 04
- Moves
- 184780
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals”, he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer ....
and then .....
He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ....
reaching towards him with its left paw ...
and raising the right paw to strike ....
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ...
A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ....
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist spoke directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ..
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
.. a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...
And the bear dropped his right arm ....
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ...
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive...”
Maybe I should have posted this in the "Spirituality" Forum eh?
🙄😀
Originally posted by @great-big-steesIt's actually a good one.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals”, he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw th ...[text shortened]... about to receive...”
Maybe I should have posted this in the "Spirituality" Forum eh?
🙄😀
When the pastor visitedthe family he asks: Don't you say grace?
Ansers little Bob: No. Mother is a good cook.
Originally posted by @great-big-steesA Christian falls down a Crevasse. Since he is a devout man he prays for rescue.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals”, he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw th ...[text shortened]... about to receive...”
Maybe I should have posted this in the "Spirituality" Forum eh?
🙄😀
Comes a voice: "Here is the Swiss Red Cross can we help you?
Answers the christina: No I have asked God.
No wonder happens, so the man prays again
Comes a voice: ""Here is the Swiss Red Cross can we help you?"
Again this help is rejected and adter a while whne night falls the man prays again.
Comes the voice:"Here is the Swiss Red Cross are you really sure we should not pull you up?"
The man negates. During the night the man freezes to death.
When he arrives at the pearly gates he asks God: Why did you net help me in that Crevasse?
God replies: It seems to me that I dent the Swiss Red Cross there three times.
Originally posted by @ponderableWhat do you call a Progressive angle?
What do you call an angle which is adorable?
acute angle
Obtuse! 😵
A man is clinging to a cliff face, hanging on by his finger nails. Below him, thousands of feet below, jagged rocks and certain death.
He desperately looks up and shouts,"Is there anyone up there?"
Silence.
"That figures," he says despondently.
Slowly he can feel his fingers slipping.
Looking down at the terrible sight below he shouts once again, even more desperately, "HELP!! IS THERE ANYONE UP THERE?"
Suddenly the clouds open and a booming voice announces: "Let go, my son, and my angels will save you"
The man looks down once again at the terrible sight below him.
"Er, is there anyone else up there?!!"
A young monk arrives at a monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
Originally posted by @ponderableYo Mama Plays chess against herself, cheats and still loses.
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."