Jokes

Originally posted by @sonhouse
And you measured that effect no doubt with a femdometer, which lately have been giving high readings.

Study shows that dogs have 530,000,000 neurons in their cerebral cortex where cats have a paltry 250,000,000. (Dogs smarter than cats) BTW, humans have "around" 16,000,000,000, give or take a "few".

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
Study shows that dogs have 530,000,000 neurons in their cerebral cortex where cats have a paltry 250,000,000. (Dogs smarter than cats) BTW, humans have "around" 16,000,000,000, give or take a "few".

Originally posted by @suzianne
Are you complaining?!? 😠

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned, but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied..."The balcony."

Originally posted by @handyandy
Are you saying that President Trump is really a cat?

Originally posted by @sonhouse
No, I like to see women winning for a change. Nothing serious.

Dear Diary, packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive..
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my boyfriend.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives...


Twice

Originally posted by @suzianne
It was, you know, a joke.

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
Study shows that dogs have 530,000,000 neurons in their cerebral cortex where cats have a paltry 250,000,000. (Dogs smarter than cats) BTW, humans have "around" 16,000,000,000, give or take a "few".

Originally posted by @whodey
A dog will look up to you

A cat will look down on you.

But a pig will look you square in the eye.

Originally posted by @coquette
Okay, year after year I post this one. It's just a seasonal reminder.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

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North Polish, of course.

Originally posted by @sonhouse
I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot Pole!

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
A poll, conducted by Ipsos-Reid, says that 90% of Poles don't partake in them.

Speaking of the poles, Trump is still trailing Hillary by 40 points since the election.