Jokes

Originally posted by @orangutan
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: At least two.

... the mystery is how they managed to get in there in the first place.

Originally posted by @sonhouse
without breaking the glass🙂

I talked to a to a homeless man
this morning and asked him how he
ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. I had
plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a
roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the
gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.

I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs?
Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

"No, no.... I was paroled."​

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries.
She thought it over for a while and that said, "Aye, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six ...[text shortened]... le and that said, "Aye, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six ...[text shortened]... le and that said, "Aye, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

Quasimodo fell on the floor ,he rocked himself to sleep trying to get back up again.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I Have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Fred and Harry are talking in the pub .
" how's your wife after her little accident harry ?"...Fred asked
" Oh ,you mean when she slipped on the stairs and the vacuum hose went up her backside ..........
well she's been to hospital and she is now picking up fine " Harry replied

Duct tape can't cure stupid, but it can muffle the sound.....

Originally posted by @sonhouse
Duct tape can't cure stupid, but it can muffle the sound.....

Originally posted by @phil3000
Yoshi lay on his death bed with his close friend Yitzak by his side .
Yoshi leaned toward Yikzak and said .." Yitzak, when the Germans rolled into Poland and I ended up in a concentration camp ,you was there .
And Yitzak when i was liberated and set up my tailor shop ,the tailor shop that went bankrupt and i lost everything ,Yitzak ,you was there.
And Y ...[text shortened]... .
Yoshi moved closer to Yitzak and whispered in his ear....." Yitzak ,you are a fecking jinx "

Gabriel ,the angel asked God if he could go too hell and visit San pans demonic nightlife .
" Under one condition Gabriel, you must take your harp and have it with you at all times ,and you must be back for 2 am "
Gabriel took up Gods offer and went too Hell .
Gabriel was downing pints, champagne and chatting up the birds in one of San pans discos ,suddenly Gabriel realised it was 2am .He had to go back too heaven ....whoosh ,he arrived in heaven .
God had a stern look on his face ..." have you forgotten something Gabriel " God asked .
To the tune of one of Frank Sinatra's hits Gabriel replied ......" I left my harp in San pans disco ..do..be..do..be...do "

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."