Jokes

Not really a joke but an interesting bit of pranksterism.

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899.
"Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line".
Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favour.
At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:
The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.
The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.
In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.
This ship was therefore not only in:
Two different days,
Two different months,
Two different years,
Two different seasons
But in two different centuries - all at the same time.

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."

So this women gets pulled over for speeding.

Officer: Mam, you were speeding. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Can I see your license?

Woman: License? I don't have one cuz they took It from me for DWI.

Officer: No license? Ok, how about your registration and proof on insurance?

Woman: Nope, I don't have that either. In fact, I stole this care, it's not even mine?

Officer: Stole the car? From who?

Woman: Beats me, all I know is I hacked him into bits and threw him in the trunk.

The officer then backs up slowly from the car, calls for back up, and awaits help. Within minutes 5 police cars surround the vehicle as a senior officer approaches the women.

Senior officer: Mam, would you please step out of the car?

Woman: Certainly officer, what is this about?

Senior officer: Can I see your license?

Woman: Sure officer, here it is.

Senior Officer: Ok, what about registration and proof of insurance.

Woman: Sure, I have that as well, here It is.

Senior officer: (Looking puzzled): O......k.. ......how about opening the trunk.

The woman opens the trunk that reveals it to be empty.

Senior Officer: Well that's odd. This other officer claims that you had no license, stole this car, and hacked up a body and threw it in the trunk.

Woman: What a lying bastard, I bet he even said I was speeding.

A man walks into a bar and is approached by his friend who was a bar tender who asked him to do him a favor by taking a drunk home. He owed him some money so he figured he would do the good deed and approached the drunk sitting on a bar stool. He walks up, introduces himself, and explains he is going to take him home, but the man is half passed out and only blankly looks at him. The man then grabs his wallet, obtains his address, and finds out where to take him. He then tries to stand the man up, but he instantly falls to the ground. He then drags the man to his car, leans him up against the car to open the door, but again the man falls to the street. He scraps him off the street and then throws him into his car. Once out of the car, he tries to stand the man up again, but again he falls to the street, only to bash his head against the curb. The man is now seems to be half awake now due to the pain as the man drags him to his apartment door and up some stairs. Confident the man could not stand because he seemed more awake, the man leaned him against his door and started to knock but the man then fell to the floor and down the stairs. Now the man was writhing in pain and cursing at him. The man then cleans him up, drags him back up the stairs, and braces him against the door and knocks on the door. The door then opened as his wife asked, "Where is his wheelchair?"

Originally posted by whodey
There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
....
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

Originally posted by wolfgang59
When was this?
He should never have got his job back in my opinion.

Bluto went to mount Olive so Popeye punched him .

Men are from Mars, women from Venus and kids are from Hell.

4 Surgeons walk into a bar.


Four surgeons were sitting around on lunch break, discussing what kinds of people they like to operate on.






The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.”






The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is numbered and organized.”






The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded.”






The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”






The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.






The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable.”

The Irish Millionaire:
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue.." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home inDublin ...."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple , it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
The Irish Millionaire:
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on thi ...[text shortened]... it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger and bigger.


And then it hit me.

Originally posted by @ghost-of-a-duke
I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger and bigger.


And then it hit me.

I have always been really bad at spelling.
Is that nature or nurture?

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
The Irish Millionaire:
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on thi ...[text shortened]... it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"