Jokes

@sonhouse
So there is this near unknown little country hidden out in the woods.
The natives have a medical problem with the whole tribe.
Their butts clamp up real hard, can't poop properly.

The name of this country?:

Puckerstan.

What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner."

If you're seriously considering starting a zoo, you'll need at least two pandas, three polars, and a grizzly.

It's the bear minimum.

This one's thanks to P.D.Q. Bach (paraphrased).

So there was this zoo keeper, and he was called into the office. His manager told him that the dolphins were behaving disgracefully, and the only thing that would bring their behaviour back into line was a diet of seagull chicks. He was to go out and catch a bag of them, and bring them back.
Well, off he went. Down to the sea shore, where he had no problems at all. Soon enough he had a bag full of young birds. The problem came on the way back. There was a lion laying across the road! Don't ask where it came from, but there it was. Didn't look very wild, though. In fact, it looked very tame. And this was the only road back to the zoo, after all...
So, the zoo keeper dared it. He approached the lion, stepped carefully over its outstretched tail, and walked on. Not a dozen yards later, out stepped a police officer and arrested him. But why, asked the zoo keeper? What have I done wrong?

He had been transporting under-aged gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises.

A zoo keeper was driving a van load of monkeys to the zoo.
It broke down so he phoned for a recovery vehicle to come out.
While he was sat waiting Paddy was approaching in another van. The zoo keeper flagged him down and said if I give you £50 will you take these monkeys to the zoo for me. Paddy agreed and off he went.
Three hours passed and the zoo keeper is still waiting for the recovery truck. Then he sees Paddy coming the other way with the monkeys still in the van.
Once again he flags Paddy down. 'I gave you £50 to take these monkeys to the
zoo.' 'I did' says Paddy, 'and we had a great time. But I've got some of the money left so now we are going to the cinema.'

My infuriating neighbour was banging on my door again last night.

Lucky for him I was still awake, practicing my drums.

@Shallow-Blue
I heard they were IMMORTAL Porposes....

an oldie but goldie:

The purpose of propellers on an aircraft are to fan the pilot...
when they stop turning, the pilot starts sweating.

A newcomer to the USA arrived in NYC. He made his way into the city and found a small cafe. He was hungry and smelled food. He went inside and sat at a table wondering how he could order, he couldn't speak English, and no one there was speaking his language.
He had an idea, he'd listen to someone else's order and order the same thing.
A nearby person asked for the waitress and ordered apple pie, coffee.
He kept repeating in his mind, apple pie coffee, apple pie coffee, apple pie coffee. He motioned to the waitress, she came up.
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Man: Apple pie coffee
The waitress walked off, a few minutes later she came back with his order. He ate the pie and drank the coffee, payed his bill, it was great.
He kept coming back for apple pie and coffee
After a few days he was tired of apple pie and coffee. He had another idea, listen to someone else's order, it worked well before. Another patron ordered a grilled ham and cheese and a Coke.
He worked on remembering grilled ham and cheese Coke, grilled ham and cheese Coke, grilled ham and cheese Coke, grilled ham and cheese Coke.
He motioned to the waitress, proud of himself for cleverly bypassing the language barrier. After all he was really sick and tired of apple pie coffee.
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Man: Grilled ham and cheese, Coke.
Waitress: Do you want that on white, whole wheat or rye???
Man: With tears in his eyes he said...


Apple pie coffee.

@sonhouse said
@Shallow-Blue
I heard they were IMMORTAL Porposes....

Do not illegally park your frog.

It will get toad.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Do not illegally park your frog.

It will get toad.

MMCDXLIII

@gambrel said
MMCDXLIII

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Do not illegally park your frog.

It will get toad.