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Fast and Curious

slatington, pa, usa

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18 Jul 19

@whodey said
You might be a liberal if..........

1. You have PTSD to the color Orange.

2. You think things can really all be free. It's magic.

3. You moved to Texas from California to get away from the insane taxes, and then turn around and vote for the same types of politicians.

4. You really believe Obama earned his Nobel Peace prize.

5. Everyone that disagrees with y ...[text shortened]... k to her country but Omar can say Jews control the US government with their "Benjamins" and it's OK.
The real joke is where you get your cut and paste material.

Ponderable
chemist

Linkenheim

Joined
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21 Jul 19

@sonhouse

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
The engineer sees a glass that is twice the size it needs to be.

w

Joined
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22 Jul 19
1 edit

@ponderable said
@sonhouse

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
The engineer sees a glass that is twice the size it needs to be.
A socialist sees a glass and is a never ending quest to come up with a way to divide the glass and divide it up, but giving themselves most of the glass.

The Gravedigger
Jack Torrance

Overlook Hotel

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22 Jul 19

@whodey said
A socialist sees a glass and is a never ending quest to come up with a way to divide the glass and divide it up, but giving themselves most of the glass.
Then when it is empty looking for some poor schmuck to refill it for them.

s
Fast and Curious

slatington, pa, usa

Joined
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22 Jul 19

@ponderable said
@sonhouse

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
The engineer sees a glass that is twice the size it needs to be.
The Astronomer's creed: If it radiates, measure it. If it doesn't, ask it for money.....

Ghost of a Duke

Joined
14 Mar 15
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22 Jul 19

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

The Gravedigger
Jack Torrance

Overlook Hotel

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22 Jul 19

Yesterday I saw a man struggling to carry a grandfather clock down the street.
I thought to myself why can't he just wear a watch like everybody else.

Ghost of a Duke

Joined
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25 Jul 19

So, bought a dog today from an ironmonger.

Soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the front door.

wolfgang59
Quiz Master

RHP Arms

Joined
09 Jun 07
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25 Jul 19

@ghost-of-a-duke said
So, bought a dog today from an ironmonger.

Soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the front door.
That reminds me of the story of the lunatic who raped two women in the
hospital laundry before escaping. The headline in the local paper was; ...



NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

w

Joined
02 Jan 06
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12857
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26 Jul 19

So a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer, to which the bartender said, no charge for the likes of you.

F

Joined
28 Oct 05
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34587
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26 Jul 19

A heavy drinker was confronted by his wife as he was set to go out to meet his friends down the pub.

"If you come home so drunk you are covered in your own vomit again, I'm going to divorce you," she warned him.

Later down the pub, he got so drunk that he threw up all over himself.

He told his friend: "If I go home like this, my wife will leave me."

His friend said: "Tell you what. Go home and tell her someone threw up over you. And put a 20 pound note in your inside jacket pocket and show it to her and say the guy who threw up on me gave me this for the dry cleaning bill."

So he arrived home covered in vomit, and his wife said: "No! No! No. No. That's it. We're done."

But he explained to her: "Someone threw up over me and, look, he gave me 20 pounds for the dry cleaning bill."

"Why have you got TWO 20 pound notes in your hand?" she asked.

"Oh, the other one is from the man who shat in my pants."

The Gravedigger
Jack Torrance

Overlook Hotel

Joined
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@ghost-of-a-duke said
So, bought a dog today from an ironmonger.

Soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the front door.
That's a cracker !

Ghost of a Duke

Joined
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26 Jul 19

@the-gravedigger said
That's a cracker !
Thanks. I am now going to ruin my good reputation with this one:


Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Very Rusty
Treat Everyone Equal

Halifax, Nova Scotia

Joined
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26 Jul 19

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Thanks. I am now going to ruin my good reputation with this one:


Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.
Disgusting!

-VR

Ghost of a Duke

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@very-rusty said
Disgusting!

-VR
Lightweight.

-Ghost

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