Jokes

The post that was quoted here has been removed

What's the difference between the wind blowing over a cattle farm and a Frenchman's arse?

One is dairy air, and the other is derriere.

She asked for an example of a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, as they say.

Then, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

What's blue and looks like a bucket?

It's a red bucket. I lied about the colour.

According to the stats for my province, 50,000 people died when driving last year and 5,000 died from drinking alcohol, And yet, only 500 people died from drink-driving. Then again, only 2 people died from drink-driving while juggling. So, I think THAT is my safest way home, then.

Very Rusty, reservation Brand and FMF walk into a bar, and after a few drinks the bill comes out to exactly £30.

They decide to split it evenly (£10 each) and give the waitress the money, who brings it to the manager. But manager recognises FMF as an old acquaintance, and tells the waitress to take him back £5.

The waitress makes her way over to the table, but feels awkward giving only FMF the £5, so she pockets £2 and gives the rest of the money between the forum posters evenly.

Rusty sees this and says “hey goostess” “treat everyone equally”. The waitress says “don’t call me goostess or I’ll kick your ass.”

Rusty says “LOL at the goostess… you are a ‘goostess’ because you’re a waitress and you ‘goosed’ us ROFLMAO”. The waitress just ignores him and the pub goes awkwardly silent.

Meanwhile FMF has also spotted the waitress pocketing the £2 and sees an opportunity to stir the pot and he says “hang on a minute chaps, we each paid £10. Then we got £1 each back minus that means we only paid £9 each.”

Reservation Brand, who was asleep, suddenly wakes up and says “so what doofus!?” not really aware of what’s going on.

FMF replies smugly and quite loudly so the whole pub can hear:
“well £9 x 3 = £27, plus the £2 the waitress pocketed is £29.
So where’s our missing £1 ?”

Everyone in the pub gasps simultaneously.

Very Rusty feels he has been cheated, becomes upset and gets up to have a sharp word with the waitress saying “hey goostess, you owe us £1!” The waitress grabs Rusty in a head lock until his head swells up and he passes out falling to the floor landing face down in some dog vomit from the earlier Poodle throwing contest.

The waitress steps over the prostrate Very Rusty and gives £1 to FMF with a cheeky wink and a grin, and puts the other £1 in the jukebox selecting “let’s spend the night together” by the Rolling Stones. Everyone cheers except FMF who is embarrassed and gets up to go to the gents loo.

True story.