In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
A man is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prays. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: "Never mind, I found one!"
@whodey saidNice to see you can post jokes about Republicans, too.
A man is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prays. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: "Never mind, I found one!"
Dumb Blonde Joke no. 53.
Three Blondes are waiting together at a train station platform, to go to a conference. Each one is holding a ticket in her hand.
Three Redheads come up next to them, primping. They too are going to the same conference and notice the Blondes with their tickets. The Redheads demonstratively show that only one of them is holding a ticket and send the Blondes a snarky look which says 'We know how to ride the train almost for free (and you don't)!'
When the train pulls into the station, both groups get on board and seat themselves in the same wagon and observe each other penetrantly.
Presently, the ticket controller appears in the wagon. The Redheads stand up together and scurry off to the toilet at the far end of the wagon. The ticket controller slowly works his way along, punching the passengers' tickets one-by-one. When he gets to the toilet, he knocks and says, "Ticket please!" The door to the toilet opens a crack, one ticket is poked through the slot, the controller punches it and moves on.
The Blondes have observed this carefully.
* * *
After the conference is over, the Blondes and the Redheads are waiting in two groups on the platform to catch the train back. The Blondes are demonstratively holding one ticket so that the Redheads cannot miss this. The Redheads are demonstratively holding no ticket at all.
The train pulls in, both groups get on board haughtily, and seat themselves again in the same wagon, eyeing each other accusatively. The train leaves the station. Presently, the ticket controller appears in the wagon. The Redheads and the Blondes stand up together and scurry off to the toilets opposite each other across the aisle at the far end of the wagon. The Redheads squeeze together into one toilet, and the Blondes into the other.
Presently, one of the Redheads knocks on the door to the Blondes' toilet and says in a husky voice, "Ticket please!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"